


Stones Don't Float

by nameless_flowers



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bokuroo if you squint, Depression, Drowning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-09
Updated: 2017-05-09
Packaged: 2018-10-29 19:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10860537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nameless_flowers/pseuds/nameless_flowers
Summary: Bokuto Koutarou is not happy. Everyone carries a burden but his was to heavy and now he's given up. Idk how to write a summary lmao. Read if you want hella hella Bokuroo angst.





	Stones Don't Float

**Author's Note:**

> Hey Rin here~  
> So fair warning again, this isnt gonna be happy so please head the tags as warnings. People die. Im committing suicide vicariously through these characters, so this is one massive vent/ emotional dump. Thanks for reading, and sorry in advance!

It was raining when he arrived at the lake. The kind of rain that only occurs in the middle of July, warm and thick. The type of summer rain that fills up the air with suffocating humidity as it hits sun heated concrete and makes it hard to breath. He stepped out of his old beat to shit pickup, not bothering to lock it as he did so. A few stray raindrops peppered his face under his hood as he made his way down the dock.

 

_ Would the water feel the same as the rain? _

 

He sat down at the end of the dock, legs dangling over the edge in the water quickly soaking his shoes and the hem of his pants.

__

_ It didn’t matter anyway. _

 

He sat there in the now pouring rain and he turned his face upward, letting the rain run down his cheeks, running together with the half dried tears. He closed his eyes and let the rain plaster his hair to his forehead. 

__

_ Why style it? No point when the water was just going to ruin it... _

__

Why was he even still here? What good was he? He didn't have good grades and his athletic ability was subpar at best. Why else did he fail to lead his team to success in nationals? He couldn't even make up his mind about this one thing for Christ’s sake. What purpose did he serve anymore? Who was he anymore?

 

His name  **is** Bokuto Koutarou. 

He **is** 18 miserable years old.

And he wants to 

**_Die._ **

 

\-----------------------------------

He was a burden, he was to loud and to nosy. He wasn't always kind like the managers and he wasn't collected like Akaashi. His mood swings were too much, they annoyed everyone and his emotional state wasn't hardly ever stable. He knew these things, he didn't need anyone to tell him. They all said they loved him. That they were there for him, that he wasn't a burden but he knew the truth. He had heard the whispering, he'd heard Akaashi warn the new first years about him. And because of all the bad things he Bokuto wasn't deaf.

No one liked him, everyone hated him, they were just civil enough to not say it to his face. But that civilness didn't stop them from saying it to others. They wanted him to just  _ go away already.  _

 

_ Bokuto was a burden  _ and he knew it _ _

Everytime he heard something, every time someone had to tell him to calm down, every time someone looked at him with annoyance it felt like they were pitching stones at a window he was trapped behind. And that window wasn't made of the bullet proof glass they seemed to think it was made of. It was because of all these things, the culmination of all those little stones, that caused Koutarou to finally break. 

All the little chips, all the fake laughs at practice, all the “I’m fine”s and smiles had finally come to weigh to much in his mind and he had crumpled beneath them, trapped in a grave of stones. 

And now? Now he was done fighting. He wasn't able to bear the stones that sat on his chest and piled up in his mind. He was ready to be rid of his stones, for many stones tend to weigh you down, and Bokuto was going to let them. He was going to let them drag him down, down, down until he reached the bottom. 

 

_ Don't lie to yourself, you are at the bottom, nothing could be worse than this. _

_ But maybe if you do you’ll be free… _

 

 

Bokuto took his phone out of his jacket pocket, rain dripping from his bangs onto the dark screen. One last message, one last smile, this one genuine, always genuine for Kuroo. One last smile for the one who had helped him bear his stones.

He clicked on the screen,it was to to bright for the dark quiet of the lake at night. It was like him he thought absentmindedly, always to too much of something. As he scrolled through his recent messages looking for Kuroo’s contact he hesitated.

 

_ What was Kuroo going to think? _

_ Will he call me a coward?..No..Would he? _

_ Will he forget him? _

_ Will he replace him? _

_ Will he be relieved I'm gone~ _

Bokuto stopped himself at the last thought. No. Kuroo may move on, he may forget him in the forefront of his mind, but he would never be relieved by his leaving. Kuroo was the only one Bokuto trusted in, the only one he found sure footing in. He was sure of their friendships genuine mutuality. Kuroo, his best, his  _ true _ friend would not find relief in the nature of Bokuto's absence. Kuroo,  _ he hoped,  _ truly enjoyed their friendship and in that he was sure. 

What they had was good while it lasted but Kuroo was his light in the dark. A candle guiding him in a dark dark maze of caves called life, but the oxygen in the dark was thin, and it was running out as long as Bokuto continued to use it, the candle seemed to be flickering as the dark wrapped a hand around hi throat. Kuroo had tried, god if he hadn't tried his damndest, and he had almost succeeded. But the dark had its claws sunk into Bokuto long before Kuroo had come along, and there was nothing he could do to free Bo from its grips.

 

_ I'm sorry Testu. _

_ I'm the darkness, you are the light  _

_ The dark is contagious _

_ I'm trying to contain it, lest it touch and taint you... _

 

__

As Bokuto stared down at Kuroo's contact he couldn't think of what to say, he couldn't think of anything that could justify leaving, to warrant what he was about to do. How could Bokuto explain himself to his only light. How could he explain why he had set the candle down on the cold rock of the cave floors, and wandering away alone without his guide, why he had left him. It wasn't the lights fault. 

Tears mixed with the rain dripping onto his screen as he typed out a last message. It was short, a goodbye far from anything like a justification, nothing close to an explanation. Kuroo wouldn't understand its meaning until later but that was fine, probably for the best. He hit send, stared at the screen a moment longer and typed out a second message, only as an afterthought before locking it and setting it down on the dock. And suddenly he was at peace. A gentleness settled over his mind and calmed his inner turmoil, the perpetual rock slide in his mind. All his uncertainty and inhibitions left him and for the first time he was completely sure of his choice.

A few moments passed and he stood, glancing down one last time at his phone, a new notification from Kuroo blinked on his screen. He didn't dare answer it. He looked out across the lake, the storm had picked up and quickly obscured his vision, he cast a last, fleeting look towards the shore, took a deep breath, released it and with the type of finality few ever posses even once in their life, stepped off the edge of the dock. 

\-----------------------------------

It was quite below the waves. Absolute silence seemed impossible while thunder rolled across the sky above and yet it was as though sound never existed, all he could hear was the emptiness of the water. The water in the lake was cold, even for July, and it quickly numbed his limbs while he allowed himself to sink deeper into the murky depths. The water wrapped around him, it crawled down his throat and burned his lungs. Koutarou had to fight the instinct to cough it up and swim toward the air. The burning was nothing, this would be over soon, and as he drifted he opened his eyes to the darkness surrounding him. This was like the darkness that had such a hold on him, that controlled his thoughts and suffocated his life. His darkness was like water, seeping into every crack and sapping away any and all warmth.

Bokuto felt the unconsciousness creeping at the edges of his blind vision. And invading his mind, making everything move much much slower than it should. He felt like he was moving through mud and sludge and in his mind he came to a conclusion,

_ Dying is not beautiful, but it is calm. _

With that last though he gave into the darkness ebbing at his mind, gave into the stones in his chest and the pain in his heart and into the inky water that invaded and enveloped him.

\-----------------------------------

His name  **was** Bokuto Koutarou. 

He  **was** 18 miserable years old.

And now he was 

**_Dead._**

__

__

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> If any of yall are struggling here is the National Suicide prevention Hotline for the USA: 1-800-273-8255. Use it, theres no shame in asking for help. 
> 
> Also second chapter will be the same timeline from Kuroo's POV, probably shorter idk. This was short as is lol


End file.
